When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
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Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life