*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn鈥檛 say what he thinks it says.
me: sorry we鈥檙e late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can鈥檛 see my watch
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember鈥r friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 馃檨
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.