Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Breaking news:
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan