Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
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haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”