Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
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cause of death:
autopsy.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
asking santa clause for nudes
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.