Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
You Might Also Like
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Bit chilly again tonight.