My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast