CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
yea so i messed up lol
And that about sums it up.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….