professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Software Development ⛵️
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Seek kebab; not attention
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake