I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Sunday
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
crochet youtube is brutal
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”