Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
You Might Also Like
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
A woman drives into a bar.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I found your tweet-up…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.