15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
You Might Also Like
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.