Not all heroes wear capes.
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There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no