[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”