A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.