In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I need to update my racial profile.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
gentlemen, hear me out
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.