Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.