Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
What if the weather talks about us?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.