*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of