the only bumper sticker ill allow
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4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
just witnessed a drug deal
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.