Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.