What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.