ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.