I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.