[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]