#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I love it all
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?