if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word