I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Yep.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.