Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no