I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Hmmmmm
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe