imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?