The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
scared to check what name she chose
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!