Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Hotels are back
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.