As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube