If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
You Might Also Like
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
😂 amazing answer
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.