Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
This is my pinned tweet
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.