I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.