If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
technically true but not a great slogan
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
It’s actually Dr. whatever
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face