This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I had to Stop for this
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
DOOO EEEET
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores