9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
dam girl
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
plant them where lol
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.