I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably