Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!