[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Pronouncing “driest” like priest