Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?