ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
shit just got real
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.