My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Every damn time
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.