Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Banking tips
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”