Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing