The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea