If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Sunday
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use